I want to get better. I want not to struggle through each day. It is so taxing and tiring. Everyday I just want to get back to my couch, romanticizing the time at night with all the lights out and just the TV and me. I do love certain things in my life, like tennis, crosswords, running, and writing, it just seems that everything else is so much more difficult. I can never tell whether I am the cause of the problems or it is the other people in my life. Where is the line, because is pretty damn blurred? I guess I will never know the answer to that question. Then there are the physical limitations that also disappoint me . I can’t really apologize for all of them. The only thing I CAN do is do what I feel is the next right action for myself and that is pretty hard, too. Everything is so fucking fraught. Why? Is it the consequences? There may be consequences with which I have to be “Okay.” It is really tough to sit with them once they come.
I’m always pushing pushing pushing so I can keep up with life. I would really like to know how others experience life. Is is similar to my own experience, where everything is struggle and everything they post on Facebook is a bunch of bullshit Public Relations about themselves? Do they really love their kids as much as they say? Do they really want to get married or is it just “what people do”? Is it easy to go to a baseball game and enjoy it? Are they really enjoying their lives? I know Facebook is breeding narcissism, but for me it just creates more opportunity for depression. And so I have digressed. Well, no perhaps not…. or at least I will now.
I went to an event for the non-profit that is near and dear to my heart, where I have put in a lot of work in the last 7 years while on the board of directors. I was excited and proud to be there with all the most important people in my life. I was nervous, though. it was overwhelming. I just wanted to let my shoulders down and relax, but instead they were duct taped to my ears. My anxiety definitely could have been worse. I was grateful it was not. I had to mindfully be in the moment each step of the way, my new medication also helped ease this process. I appeared relaxed…good enough. I watched as others introduced people they were with easily. I was jealous as I bumbled my way through quite a few introductions, bridging the gaps in my very compartmentalized life. My name came up a few times, by various speakers over the course of the event. It was nice and it was uncomfortable to be recognized. As an idealized teenager and college student, I always wanted to make a difference in this world. By the time I got home, I realized I had accomplished that goal despite the daily struggles of life. I suppose I should celebrate that more.
Is it just that I am selfish and I wanted more from that experience? I suppose not because being recognized was uncomfortable for me, too. I think it’s still balance and perspective with which I have trouble. Which is why I don’t know whether I am causing trouble or others are. Not that I am looking for blame, I just want to represent myself well and with the proper intentions. Many times, though, in my heart, I do not know what I want. “What are you doing this weekend, ” is a daunting question for me. It, like all other requests, are loaded because I load it up. Typically I just do what others want me to do, because in my heart, I do not know what I desire.
There are times that I say, “Hey, I’m okay.” Mostly they occur when there are no perceived or actual expectations of me. Right now, the only time I feel that is alone, on my couch resting and unwinding for bed, or playing tennis, my whole mind on one yellow ball. I guess that is my peace. The eye in the storm of struggle.