Do I still have it?
Do I still have the chops? or have I been writing too much sports news? Or will I really be able to let go and tap into my creativity?
Are all my great writing days behind me? Was I good because my inhibitions, and anxious thoughts were tampered thanks to some wine?
Gosh, the fear (and the struggle…oh come on, I had to) is real.
I go back. I go back and read old blog posts, old journal entries, scraps of hotel note paper, and napkins. I think “Wow, this is really good. Am I still be THAT good? Can I do THAT again?” I do not know. All I can do is throw it up on the webpage, into the journal, or on the word doc and try.
I feel like my brain has atrophied. My spelling is not as sharp. I get easily distracted by how a sentence should be structured. I criticize my writing as I write it. All of these thoughts have lead me back to the best piece of advice ever bestowed upon me by my great college friend, “Just Write!” He told me this in college when I visited him in the writing workshop. He meant just let it flow and we will clean it up in post [production]. Just chill. So much easier said than done. I’ve never been one to willingly surrender.
The opportunity of opportunities has presented itself, so surrender I must. This could make my dream of publishing a book come true. I love writing, but continuing to give my words away for free just is not tenable any more. Getting paid or working toward a larger manuscript that will yield income. This interests me. To tell my story and experience being born, growing up, and growing old with cleft lip and palate and chronic medical problems.
I have to tighten up my writing priorities, though. I am terrible at setting limits. I want to do it all. I cannot, though. I must pick a lane. I am such a people pleaser. And I SO need that bump to my ego. Enlarged ego is a hallmark trait of every writer’s personality. After posting this piece, I surely will check back tonight after I arrive home, to see how many hits I have received.
And so isn’t the requisite doubt….Do I still have it? I think I do. I just need to let go….and just write.