I listened to Jay Mohr’s podcast on the way home from work. He interviewed Jake “the Snake” Roberts. They talked WWE wrestling, recovery, work, life? Spirituality, service to others. The great quotation said by Roberts was about his definition of what it takes to be a professional. He said that a professional was a person that though very sick, tired, and physically spent still goes above and beyond the expectations of the job. I never thought that someone could so perfectly validate how I see work and service.
I needed to hear that today. Today was the third or fourth incredibly taxing work day in a row, The days were rewarding. It was filled with a lot of physical labor and problem solving. I was not going to let people down. I gave all of myself. I did the right thing. And hopefully I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.
Still, there are flaws about how I live and what Roberts said about professionalism. Where does self-care work itself into the equation? How can I strike the balance without feeling selfish for doing something nice for myself, allow myself to rest when I do not feel well?
Living in the shades of grey between contributing nothing at work and doing it all has always been a tough one for me. It is imperative to figure out a way to get into the middle because I need to give myself the gift of better health. In addition, I need not judge others for how they go about their work day. I do not know how to slow down, nor how to be okay with a slower pace when faced with my perfectionist tendencies. It just seems so ingenuous to me. It feels like you are stealing the paycheck you are earning. Long story short, it 1) makes me very resentful of other people. 2) Others do not even know why I am angry. The only person I am hurt is myself.
Where is the middle?
How can I be kind to myself?
When will I be enough?
I don’t know…I do not know.