I was not able to post last Sunday. I was, and still am, recovering from my first trip overseas. I decided to post today’s writing from the past on #ThrowbackThursday.
The article was written in May 1999 or May 2000. I’m not sure which.
This piece was written for my college newspaper edition of Theader that featured satirical stories and reporting. Similar to the Onion does on a daily basis, The Crusader reserved the last edition of the paper each year for this fun exercise. They renamed the paper the Tomahawk, a title that would probably not fly nowadays in the current climate of rigid, political correctness.
Without further ado…. Here is my make believe news story.
Student Goes to Classes Over Break
Worcester, MA– Lawrence Platter’s professor was not there but he went to class anyway. He attended his Philosophy and Deep Contemplation class each Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8AM during the past winter break without one absense. He says, ” At first, I thought it was a joke. I mean, like, where was everybody. But then, after staring at the blank chalkboard for four days in a row, I realized the professor had it planned all along. Philosophy is nothingness. No one was there and nothing was on the chalkboard because we are all nothingness.” Platter is currently writing up his findings for his senior thesis to be handed into no one.
Platter’s roommate was questioned and only responded by saying “He carries on conversations with people that appear on TV. He thinks Mr. Rogers’ is his best friend because he talks right to him. I thought I finally made a breakthrough when I convinced him that Blue wasn’t his dog.”
Platter will undergo further testing by Health Services. Preliminary tests prompted them to prescribe aspirin and cough drops.
Kara Jackman 