Is it the Prozac, or am I feeling better? Go ahead, you can laugh. Typically, things zip and zoom through my mind like the flying cars on the Jetsons. (The thoughts and feelings even make that cute noise as they whiz by. Having a great imagination is such a gift.) No longer is that the case. Part of the reason MAY be the medication, but most likely it is my rediscovered spiritual life. I say rediscovered because it was lost and then found again.
Connection and Acceptance
Peace is hard to come by. I have just been through a tough three months physically. Now I am sort of coming out of it. I am even hesitant to say that I am doing better for fear I will jinx myself. The difference between a few months ago and now is I am able to commit some time to prayer and building myself up spiritually, to connect, again. It is so difficult to do it when you are not well. Even if you do have the energy, certainly, you believe, the effort is futile. If I am not connected to something, larger than myself, I do not feel grounded.
A positive side effect of my spirituality is finding moments of acceptance once again. The moment may be big, or small. Yesterday, I could not do more than a few of the yoga poses during a class. For some reason, I was able to laugh it off.
There are multiple ways in which I connect to my spiritual world. Late in the November I got the first heavy inkling that everything would be okay. I went to the Museum of Fine Art. For the first time, I felt completely relaxed. How did I know? I could feel that my shoulders were at their proper level, well below my ears.
Prayer: It doesn’t have to be hard on the knees
A few days later someone suggested that I pray or meditate. I said to myself, “I don’t want to do this. this isn’t me. My knees can’t tolerate that stress.” So in order to take a step in the right direction, I started writing, things that I wanted to say to God. It flowed out of me onto the paper of my journal. I felt a bit better. I continued the practice a few more times and the good vibes continued to flow. I also wrote a list of the year’s accomplishments and things I am grateful for.
I pray through art, drawing, painting, writing, exercise, yoga. I believe that emotions can get locked inside our body and different types of exercises help to release them. The same is true for artistic pursuits.
A few weekend’s later I went to a Christmas party. I was nervous. My brother would be there. Would he be nervous/pissed that I was going to this party? I went at the urging of another friend. It went beyond well. I connected with my brother, talked to him about the mundane and the significant. It was so great that I got in my car and cried tears of joy and sadness. How could I have been so nervous about seeing and spending time with my brother for all these years? How could I have possibly thought it would go terribly?
And so the universe answered my questions with Mary Poppins. I arrived home and it was on broadcast TV. A movie my brother and I would watch together when we both were younger. There are no coincidences.
Conquering Lies with the Ultimate Truth
My brain lies to me. My brain has always lied to me…and 36 years later I still believe it. How lucky was I that I have spirits, or God, or the universe, in my life to make that weekend and these realizations possible? Truly blessed.
I have the power to put a stop my mind from spinning out of control through writing, creating, drawing, and finding various other ways of talking to the cosmos. (This week I have been playing with some Crayola molding clay. It was a gift in every and all senses of the word.)
Every thing I do, every move I make is to try to enhance my spiritual connection. If I focus on that, I am able to allow the emotions, the nerves, the pain (physical and mental) wash over me, mindful that the world will hold me safe in the palm of its hand.