I made some changes this year with my physical and mental health in mind. I am more earnest and determined than ever to make progress in these areas. I thought by now I would feel different, things would have improved, but they have not exactly met my expectations (which typically, like the rent, are too high). Something has got to give, or in my case, I have got to stop, so I can give in, lean in. In other words, I have to pause, contemplate, and let go of those behaviors, thoughts, people, and situations that perpetuate suffering. Otherwise, I will continue to tread water and not earn the spoils of the war in which I fight each day.
I am fighting more than one battle, which is why I say war. I am fighting for myself, to recapture me. Because I am struggling I am doing it right. If I were not engaged with the issues that plaque me, mental and physical, then I would be going about it all wrong. Choosing to disassociate from them, or distract does not allow for real transformation to occur. I want to confront the problem head on, not sweep it under the rug only to trip over it, again and again, in the future. I make mistakes. I trip and fall; to err is to be human. I get up, I dust myself off, and figure out where I went wrong, so I can approach the problem differently next time it presents itself.
So though the progress seems glacial with regard to time and return on investment, I plod on because I know I will ultimately reach my goals, win the battles and ultimately the war. I pray to allow hope into my heart. I am wary of hope because I believe you are the change you want to be. I need the hope though to build the resilience and strength to continue along this road to a new and improved Kara.