With a horrible tightness in my chest, I am overwhelmed. I am trying to be on time, in the right place, go the myriad doctor’s appointments, rush, get things done, make time to go to the gym, make time to be creative, make time to see people, make time, make time, make time. Problem is you cannot ‘make time.’ Time exists already and you must work within its parameters.
Racing against the clock. Stop try to breathe, but the wheels keep spinning inside my head.
What’s next? Where do I need to be? When will it be time to just sit on my couch?
Do I have to make dinner?
What do I have for dinner?
It has to be healthy!
Will I be able to work out today?
Maybe I should skip dinner and just go to bed. I can’t gain weight that way.
The tightness in the chest builds and begins rise to the throat. The stomach becomes sour, acidic and nauseous from the caffeine that fuels me, protects me against the medication side effects.
Am I living a lie?
I hate this job,
hate the life I have chosen.
Yes, but it does provide.
Provide for all the wonderous things that I have. A home, a bed, a TV, a gym membership and health care, which I clearly need.
Mental health care.
Still, in my mind, it is not enough. All the things I have are not enough recourse for the anxiety.
I tell the doctor today that I’m fine, I go to work and I’m not.
How does it happen and why so fast?
I am just spinning around on the hamster wheel, holding on to life by a single finger nail. I long for the night. To sit on my couch with my blanket and my journal on my lap waiting for the medication to take me away to sleep.
Right now I just need to push hard, keep pushing, hoping hard in each moment that I do not crash, I do not fall from my finger tips into the abyss.
I wonder whether I should call my doctor to tell her/him that I am still anxious or just wait for tomorrow’s appointment. There is an appointment every day, after all. Just the mental medical care is a full time job. Never mind the real job.
At the end of the day I want to jump off this hamster wheel:
…and each and every day, no matter what, pursue my PASSIONS!