I’m fighting so hard. It is hard to find happiness in things, when you’re having so much trouble with side effects from medications and still dealing with the underlying anxiety. I am doing everything I can. Still, I feel it is not enough. I feel as though, I have let down a lot of people. So much of this is beyond my control. Some things need to be added and others subtracted from my life. It is difficult to tell what must go and what can stay. It is the difference between want and need. The lines can become blurred if you are not more deliberate, aware and intentional about living your experience.
I was at the annual fundraising event for the Foundation for Faces of Children, the organization on which I am on the board of directors, yesterday, and I was so anxious. I love this event! I LOVE and LIVE for it every year. It was just too much for me this year. It is so hard for me to accept that, when everyone turned out for me this year: Mom, Dad, my boyfriend and his son. They all came, driving great distances, to be there for me. Why is my body’s reaction “freak out and try to hide it so no one sees” versus “happiness and energy.” I was very grateful to see them. Why does my stomach tell me, “don’t eat you are going to throw up,” versus “eat, you are hungry.” What kind of a warped life do I live? How do I explain that it is not really my fault, I’m on this roller coaster, too, it stinks and I want to get off. Or do I not try to explain or justify it to others and just work on accepting it. “This is me and this is how I react.” I know I can’t fight it, that never works. As I come into acceptance (which I eventually think I did yesterday) it becomes easier. For me, it is one moment of acceptance at a time. Soon the moments begin to build upon themselves. Then you feel better. Much later, though, after all is said and done, you feel the guilt and shame. You felt you were not present enough. You didn’t spend enough time with them. In short, you were not engaged. No one knows about this part and this pain. Quite frankly, no one really experiences any of it unless you are one of the few who deal with this type of hypersensitivity to the world. Quite frankly, I would like to cut off my sensitivity tentacles, to walk boldly through my life. But, alas, that will take time, more experience and less perceiving.