It’s been quite some time since I have posted. A great deal has happened. It is just another story of a girl who thought she had everything, but realized she did not….and she was miserable. I thought I had it all figured out, but I was running to0 hard in too many directions. Everything and everyone quickly became obligations. I lost myself in this big, crazy circus we call “LIFE.” I was trapped. It is a terrible feeling, being trapped in your own life. Being trapped in your own prison. Now, I have been locked in My Own Prison (as Scott Stapp of Creed put it) before, but this was and still is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. It also has been the longest time that I have been imprisoned. Depression and anxiety are the iron bars and large, locked door. It is scary when you can not trust yourself. It is scarier when most of the people in your life can’t trust you either. It is scary when every day you are sad and you do not know why. It is frustrating when you are so anxious and you can not think of anything but obsessive thoughts, “am I fat?, did I call so-and-so back, did I do enough at work, did I go to enough meetings, do I spend enough time with my parents, do I spend enough time with my friends, did i spend enough time with my boyfriend, did I go to the gym today, and etc, etc, etc….Ad Nauseaum. These are just symptoms. The big, fat, main problem is actually something most people take for granted and do very easily every day. I need to do what I want (within reason). I did what others wanted for all of my life. I do not really know why. The only thing I can come up with is that I want other people to be happy and I do not want them to feel as I do. My goal is not to attract people through this behavior. It is purely for them. I do feel this to be self-seeking behavior.
So this is the Summer of ME. I am going to eat well, exercise, discover and rediscover small, wonderful things that this life has to hold for me. I will not let anyone hold me back from my priorities. I will take my medications and hope they help me. I will endure the changes and pain they undoubtedly will provide. I will be courageous and I WILL LIVE!