I just read my last post and I really need to take my own advice. I made some great points. I have not been good to people, though, due to my own limitations. I’m too fast. I need to slow down and realize all the greatness. I hate that things rock my socks and I am ruined for a week because of them. It is not good. I don’t like these shake downs and I am the one doing them. I have realized that I am in control of how much I want to magnify what and how I am feeling. I just suck at implementing what I know I need to do. I also can’t seem to throw away that magnifying lens.
But on to positive things….I had a great Valentine’s Day. To say I forgot about it would be inaccurate, to say that it got overshadowed would be accurate. How do I hold onto the happiness? How do people do that? Did I miss that day at school? How do I remember what I have and the people around me that support me? It is a process.
Pearls. I got pearls for Valentine’s Day. Dave gave them to me. I opened them up. Speechless. They are so much heavier than the one’s I purchased from Claire’s for a semi-formal over 15 years ago. “Such weight,” was my first thought. Then my next thought was that it was the first piece of jewelry that my father purchased for my Mom. Speechless. Oh my goodness. I still can not believe it. They are so beautiful. I wear them and I feel close to him and happy to have such beautiful things. I wish I felt that way about other things. I wish I could see the good, too, when I get in a funk. Aaron’s got a great lyric that I have been living for the last week, “you buy the flaws/and miss the beauty that is yours for free.” It is so true. I have to be reminded constantly about the things I have to be happy about. Why do I go to such bad places so easily and miss that free beauty? I must be more mindful about collecting those positives. They are right before my eyes. My mother says to me, “You never let yourself celebrate anything. You graduated from a great college, you went to graduate school,” etc., etc. “You are always focused on the ‘but.'” It is very true. I graduated from a great college, but i had to fight, bite, scratch my way through. I work at a great school, but I do not know if I like it or if it is my true calling. Constantly second guessing myself just gets me spinning my wheels. I never appreciate the moment, never mind enjoy it. How do I get there? I don’t want to “miss the beauty” that is mine “for free.” Hopefully, someone, some thing will help me get there, to a place of contentment and self confidence. I’ve been working on it for my whole life. Please be revealed.